energy sapping husband

Lauren has a demanding job and even though her children have grown up and left home, she's still pushed for leisure time because of a husband who's grown used to her doing everything.

"I spent years looking forward to the time when the kids left home," laughs Lauren, "but my life hasn't changed much. Rather than washing, ironing, cleaning up, shopping and cooking for six I am now doing it just for my husband, Roger, and myself. And it takes just as much time!"

"The kids always helped me a bit," says Lauren, "but Roger never lifts a finger. All things considered, then, I'm just as constrained as I always was."

Lauren envies single women because they have the freedom to do interesting things in their leisure time, and she doesn’t. Roger expects her to be there every night and weekend for him, and on the rare occasions when she has done something interesting without him he sulked for days.

"Actually, what I do most in my leisure time is sleep," laughs Lauren. "I’m usually asleep before Roger comes to bed and on weekends I enjoy afternoon naps".

At 46 Lauren isn’t old, but her energy level is almost zero. After a full day at work, and doing chores at night, she is pooped.

Lauren and Roger watch television together at night and while he can stay awake to watch the end of shows, she starts dozing off by 9.30pm.

Sport? Lauren hasn’t been involved in any sort of regular sporting activity since high school, and considers housework as giving her all the exercise she needs. Lauren’s not overweight, so she obviously does gain enough exercise going to work and doing household chores.

Besides watching television together, Lauren doesn’t share any interest with Roger. The children left a couple of old personal computers at home, but she doesn’t share Roger’s passion for Internet surfing. She works with computers during the day - while Roger doesn’t - so she does all her e-mailing and surfing at work and leaves Roger to do his at night.

"He’s surfing while I’m doing chores," laughs Lauren.

Apart from the hour or so they watch television together, Lauren’s time with Roger is always combined with her doing something - ironing, cooking, washing up, accounting, shopping, etc - and him doing nothing.

"We've even started to watch television while we eat which is something we never did when the kids were home," says Lauren, "so we're also slipping in standards."

"I really don't have time to do anything special or exclusive in my leisure time," laughs Lauren, "because I don't have any leisure time!"

If there’s nothing interesting on television, Lauren will read a book or a magazine and she especially enjoys going to bed early some nights and reading until she falls asleep. She drives to and from work rather than commutes, so she doesn’t even have that hour before and after work to do some reading. At lunchtimes she socializes with friends or catches up with e-mail.

"Most of the time when I’m not working or sleeping, I’m putting on my face or taking it off," laughs Lauren.

Her beauty routine at night takes about half an hour, and in the morning it takes her about an hour to dress, make up and do her hair.

She wonders how she ever managed with four kids, but like the old adage says she supposes that time expands to fill whatever it takes to do whatever needs doing.

Overwhelmingly, like most women, Lauren just wants to relax in her leisure time. And kicking back with a television show, a book or a magazine for an hour or so every day seems to be the only leisure time she has.

"If I didn’t have Roger at home I'm sure I would be having a more interesting life now that the kids have left home," sighs Lauren. "I don't know what's happened to us. We got on a lot better when the kids were home."

When asked what she would like to do, if she were a single woman, Lauren thinks for a minute and then says: "I’d never cook any more - I’d go straight from work to a place to eat and then I’d attend whatever’s happening in town. A show, a play, a lecture, an exhibition - anything!"

Asked whether that’s what her single girlfriends do, Lauren laughs and says that most of them do exactly what she does.

"It’s the freedom to do something interesting that counts, not actually doing something interesting every night."

"Maybe had Roger left home and the kids stayed," sighs Lauren, "things would be different. Basically, I feel trapped by him and I resent being his slave."

"Sure, we could afford some home help," explains Lauren, "but I never bothered with help when I needed it most -- when the kids were young -- and I'm certainly not going to go there now."

"Roger's a good man and I'm not going to divorce him," adds Lauren, "but I'd dearly love to be on my own for a while and I think the experience of taking care of himself would wake him up to how much time and energy he saps from me -- so maybe a trial separation is what I need?"