amicable divorce sham

Four years after what Selma considered to be an amicable divorce her ex-mother in law died unexpectedly at the early age of 58, and what unfolded from this event proved to resolve many issues.

“I was married for six years and my ex-husband’s mother made my life a living hell,” says Selma. “She was mentally ill and totally dominated not only her son, but me, too.”

“I called my ex to offer my help with anything he needed to do and his reaction was so uncharacteristically mean and cruel that it was another sweet justice when he later married a woman who did to him not only what he unjustly accused me of trying to do to him (i.e. coming on to him because he had inherited a small fortune) but who also treated him with as much cruelty as his mother had once treated me!”

“Up until that telephone call I had never held my ex responsible for his mother’s behavior or considered he might have inherited her mental problems,” says Selma, “but afterwards I realized that he could have done a great deal to stop her harassing me, but he didn’t and probably saw her behavior towards me as being okay.”

“I then understood that he had never cherished me, or was incapable of such feelings – that’s why he let me go so easily,” says Selma, “and that being the case, the two miscarriages I suffered were a blessing in disguise, not just for me but for the babies themselves.”

“So, although the telephone call turned out to be very painful, it also turned out to be very enlightening, ridding me of any lingering doubt and guilt about my role in the marital breakup.”


Read more by Selma on this issue:

Sweet Justice

It’s a jungle out there!

caring for mad mother in law

trust your intuition on infidelity

Charity didn’t need her daughter to warn her that her husband, Mike, was attracted to another woman.

"I had been having niggling doubts about Mike’s sudden propensity to come home later than usual, and I knew that these were early signs of trouble in the marriage," says Charity.

"Both my daughter and I are highly intuitive women and Mike should have known better than to try and fool us!"

If she didn’t address these niggling doubts, Charity would have ended up with obvious signs of Mike’s infidelity such as stained or perfumed clothing, another woman’s hair on his jacket or tell-tale notes in his pockets.

"These niggling doubts are part of our survival system," explains Charity. "They are part of the early warning system by which our ancestors, the cave dwellers, knew that trouble was brewing in the shape of a large, hungry beast having picked up their scent."

"We don't have to worry about large, hungry beasts these days," laughs Charity, "but our natural intuition still operates very effectively to warn us when all is not well."

"However," adds Charity, "having been socialized to ignore our intuition, to rationalize it, to believe that others know better than we do, a lot of women feel uneasy."

"They know that something is wrong but they just don't have the courage to confront the person who is ringing early alarm bells and say to him: 'I feel there is something amiss here, please tell me what is going on, I need to know as I depend upon you for (insert appropriate need)'."

"They won't act in tune with their intuition," explains Charity, "because they know it will invite ridicule and protestations from the person they're confronting."

"Even when women present their husbands with cold, hard evidence of the incongruity between his behavior and the facts he will rarely say: 'Okay, you've caught me, where do we go from here?'"

"No," sighs Charity. "Instead, an inventive male mind will find a myriad of plausible explanations for the incongruity."

"And because most women are loyal and trusting and want their marriage to succeed," says Charity, "they will give their man the benefit of the doubt. Not once. Not twice. But as many times as it takes for either the wife or the husband to wake up to themselves."

Charity believes that having the courage to trust our intuition, and act in tune with it, is basic to freeing ourselves - and those in bad situations with us - from the bizarre behavior that results from a clash between what we are socialized to do and what our inner guidance tells us to do.

"Yes," says Charity, "we need rules in all relationships to promote civilized behavior, but just like remaining stationary at a red traffic light on a deserted road at 4 a.m. is a bit silly so is taking social rules too literally in any situation."

If Charity had rationalized Mike’s odd behavior rather than listening to her inner guidance and acting on it, then she would have been caught up in a bizarre dance with him that would have ultimately led to the demise of their marriage.

Charity always listens to her inner guidance, trusts it and acts in accordance with whatever it tells her to do.

"Being an intuitive woman in charge of my life involves being very much aware of my feelings and how they are affected by the behavior of others - particularly those I love," says Charity.

"When I confronted Mike with my suspicions, he, of course, denied that he was working late because of a woman," laughs Charity. "Guilty parties always lie - I expected it."

"I reminded him of our wedding vows - particularly the one about honesty and decency should either party feel attracted to another person - and that did the trick."

"Our agreement had been to separate before an affair started, giving the other party the freedom to find another lover, too," says Charity.

"If you’re attracted to another woman," I told Mike, "then be honest with me and do the right thing by me so that I can find someone else."

"I told him that I didn't believe him - if he had been genuinely busy at work, then he’d be bringing the work home as he'd always done in the past."

"And then I requested a separation - with him leaving the house - so that he could work out his feelings."

Given this straight talk from Charity - with a penalty she fully intended to pursue - Mike was reminded why he had married her in the first place.

She’s a strong, passionate woman and he was a fool for being momentarily distracted by one of the cute young things at work.

"Mike came home earlier than usual the next day, bringing me a dozen red roses," laughs Charity.

By confronting Mike at the early signs of trouble, by trusting her intuition and by never giving the benefit of the doubt, Charity had not only avoided getting caught up in a bizarre dance with Mike but had also saved her marriage.

(Charity's story first appeared as marriage saved by intuition and is reprinted with permission.)