mother-in-law care

Often, as in Alma’s case, when a woman marries she becomes responsible not only for her aging parents but also her husband’s aging parents; and because she married an older man, her mother-in-law caring role came earlier in the marriage than normal - as will her role as caregiver for her husband.

"My mother-in-law has two other children besides my husband," explains Alma, "but because I am a housewife and a caring sort of person I am expected to take care of the old lady. It’s a real burden for me, but I do it because I love my husband and for no other reason."

"My husband has provided very well for me financially when he dies," explains Alma, "but no amount of money will ever buy me the type of care in old age that I’m providing for my mother-in-law and will ultimately provide for my mother and husband."

"I think successful men like my husband tend to marry women much younger than themselves not only because younger women are more attractive than older women," explains Alma, "but also because younger women are likely to be alive and healthy and strong enough to care for them when they age - as well as the mother-in-law!"

"My husband Joe is 15 years older than me," says Alma, "and it really never crossed our minds in the early days that I’d end up caring for him in old age, but we talk about it now quite a lot."

"I love him dearly," says Alma, "so it will be no imposition for me at all. We have a wonderful marriage and he is a kind and gentle husband. I am truly blessed to be married to him."

"What I’m concerned about," explains Alma, "is the growing number of older men who are deliberately taking on very young wives, especially mail order brides, for no other reason it seems than to take care of them in old age. A lot of these young women are going to be dumping their husbands before that happens, and I really don’t blame them because it seems unfair to set up a woman for a marital caring role when she’s in the prime of her life."

"Nobody has ever suggested that it is about time that men took this responsibility on," says Alma. "I suppose they can always claim that it’s women’s work."

Read more by Alma on this subject:

the burden of caregiving

primitive vs western families

amicable divorce sham

Four years after what Selma considered to be an amicable divorce her ex-mother in law died unexpectedly at the early age of 58, and what unfolded from this event proved to resolve many issues.

“I was married for six years and my ex-husband’s mother made my life a living hell,” says Selma. “She was mentally ill and totally dominated not only her son, but me, too.”

“I called my ex to offer my help with anything he needed to do and his reaction was so uncharacteristically mean and cruel that it was another sweet justice when he later married a woman who did to him not only what he unjustly accused me of trying to do to him (i.e. coming on to him because he had inherited a small fortune) but who also treated him with as much cruelty as his mother had once treated me!”

“Up until that telephone call I had never held my ex responsible for his mother’s behavior or considered he might have inherited her mental problems,” says Selma, “but afterwards I realized that he could have done a great deal to stop her harassing me, but he didn’t and probably saw her behavior towards me as being okay.”

“I then understood that he had never cherished me, or was incapable of such feelings – that’s why he let me go so easily,” says Selma, “and that being the case, the two miscarriages I suffered were a blessing in disguise, not just for me but for the babies themselves.”

“So, although the telephone call turned out to be very painful, it also turned out to be very enlightening, ridding me of any lingering doubt and guilt about my role in the marital breakup.”


Read more by Selma on this issue:

Sweet Justice

It’s a jungle out there!

caring for mad mother in law