Tough Love

Reba, 57, is married with two adult children who are supposedly living independently but she's having trouble getting them to understand that she doesn't 'own' them and they don't 'own' her and once out of the family home they're on their own and they can't come back. Her husband, 65, is retired -- and she hopes to leave work soon -- and the last thing she wants is adult kids dragging her down in what she plans to be the best years of her life -- retirement!

"I expected, quite reasonably, for the doormat aspects of motherhood - fetching, carrying, washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning and the sort of humiliation that we all suffer at the hands of adolescent children - to end when my children became adults," says Reba, "but they continue to hang on to unrealistic expectations of me."

"I believe that the mother-child relationship should develop into a mutually enhancing friendship once the kids become adults responsible for their own lives," explains Reba, "and if it doesn't - as it turned out to be the case with my kids - then I expect them to go their own way and to treat me with respect."

"What I will not tolerate is adult children who expect 'motherly' duty to continue long after its existence ceases to be appropriate, and then to turn mean and nasty when their unrealistic expectations aren't met. That's abuse."

"A sensible mother accepts that a parent/child relationship is a one-way street when the child is a child," says Reba, "but when a child becomes a legal adult, at 18, the relationship must necessarily change to a two-way street."

"I didn't mind being a doormat mom when my kids were young," says Reba, "but they always knew that when they became adults they were expected to behave like an adult towards me. And I fully prepared them for this two-way relationship. That's what the adolescent rebellion is all about - it's the transition period from childhood to adulthood - when you teach kids to consider your rights as well as their own and to take responsibility for earning their own pocket money and cleaning up their own rooms. They don't like it one bit, of course, but it's a duty every parent has to perform."

"I'm not the sort of mother who claims 'ownership' rights over children - keeping them in an infantile state, under my thumb long after they should have left home and started their own lives," says Reba. "On the contrary, I encouraged them to be independent but it was an uphill battle when their father didn't support me in my endeavors. He was soft with them and more or less gave them the impression that it was their god-given right to demand motherly doormat duties from me forever - like he did and still does!"

"They both lived rent-free and chore-free with us until they were 19," explains Reba, "and then I drew the line. They had both been working for a year and needed to take responsibility for sharing the household chores and bills. I wasn't asking them to dig ditches or pay rent - I merely asked them to take responsibility for their fair share of the work and bills involved in any living-together situation - and when given the usual 'shape up or ship' out ultimatum they chose to ship out rather than shape up and help me."

"It was a bit hurtful knowing that they'd rather give to a landlord five times as much money as I asked of them," sighs Reba, "but I respected their right to make an adult decision involving responsibilities and consequences for which they are liable."

"It's unnatural and dangerous for adult children to continue living with parents as a 'child'," says Reba, "sometimes tough love is absolutely essential in order to get adult children to take on adult responsibilities. Sure, they found that shipping out and taking care of themselves involves sacrificing luxuries they want to consider as essentials, but that's what character building is all about."

"I believe my independent adult children should be thankful that I don't manipulate them, interfere in their lives and harass them with phone calls every day them like some parents do," says Reba. "They are totally free to live their own lives."

"It was also a bit hurtful to know that they didn't appreciate the gift of freedom I gave them - preferring the sort of quasi-infantile relationship they have with their father," sighs Reba, "but, as always, I respected their right to make an adult decision involving responsibilities and consequences for which they are liable."

"That both of my adult children now appear to be blaming me for 'bad' decisions they've made with their own lives is amazing," sighs Reba. "I'm not going to lay 100% blame for this situation on their father. He is no doubt involved on some level, but in choosing to remain in a quasi-infantile relationship with him - rather than taking my advice - they made an adult decision involving responsibilities and consequences for which they cannot blame anybody except themselves."

"In effect, by remaining in a quasi-infantile relationship with their father they gave him permission to stunt their growth," says Reba. "They knowingly and willing, as adults, put themselves back into the shackles of a parent and little child relationship with him."

"My husband loves playing daddy now that he's retired," sighs Reba, "but he never had to lift a finger to raise the children, and it's not him they ask to do their washing, or mend their clothes, or whatever, when they visit. Daddies play with children, mommies work their fingers to the bone for them."

"I've given up expecting my husband to change," sighs Reba, "but I remain adamant in fulfilling my duties as a mother in ensuring that my children become responsible, independent adults."

"On no account will I ever permit my kids to return home," says Reba. "I'm not a mommy any more. I'm an adult on equal footing with my kids and if they don't like that then too bad. From now on, my life is my own. I want a real retirement, not an extension of motherly duties."