a boy needs his dad
Rochelle has two children by a deadbeat dad who just left one day and never returned. She had a lot of financial troubles early in the separation, but raising the kids on her own - especially a boy entering puberty - is her greatest worry because a boy needs a dad.
"My son Dean became very withdrawn when he entered puberty and I became concerned about him being sexually abused when I found blood stains on his underpants."
"I never check the children's clothes for stains - I just gather the dirty clothes and chuck them in the washing machine with enough power cleaner to take care of any sort of stain," explains Rochelle, "and it was pure coincidence - or maybe design, his or God's - that I noticed the blood on Dean's underpants."
"I tried very hard to rationalize that the blood was caused by constipation," says Rochelle, "but I knew instinctively that it was something else."
"Dean had just turned 13 at the time and was going through that horrible puberty stage," explains Rochelle.
"He had changed in a very short time from a pleasant little boy into a secretive and difficult adolescent and I never suspected that there was something else going on in his life that made him behave differently."
"At this stage in a boy's life a father is very important and I regretted that Dean's dad hadn't been interested in keeping in touch with the boy," sighs Rochelle.
"It would have been good for me, too, to have had his father to talk to about this situation."
"I didn't know what to do."
"I had fully informed Dean of everything a boy needs to know long ago," says Rochelle, "and I had bought him plenty of books to read about sexuality and adolescence."
"Because he was so well informed I wondered whether he was exploring his own body - on his own or with a friend his own age."
"When his sister was 13 she was very open about all the things that were happening to her and I had never had reason to suspect any sort of sexual abuse with her."
"She would have told me," confides Rochelle, "but a boy is not likely to tell his mother - or even his father - about such things."
"The weekend before I found Dean's blood stained underpants he had been on a Sunday School Camp and I froze with horror at the prospect of his being sexually abused by a pastor."
"I didn't want to believe that any of the pastors could be capable of doing such a thing," says Rochelle, "and yet I only had to pick up the newspapers to know that this sort of thing goes on all the time."
"A thirteen-year old boy becoming aware of his sexuality - especially one without a father in his life - would be ideal prey for a kindly pedophile wanting to teach the boy things," says Rochelle.
"In that case, perhaps Dean may have been a willing student, but he is only thirteen and the pastor would have been taking advantage of an innocent child as well as committing a criminal offence."
"I tossed up in my mind whether to talk to Dean directly or to bring the matter to the attention of my pastor," says Rochelle, "but I didn't see what good would come of it."
"If Dean was doing some sexual experimentation with a boy of his own age then I would embarrass him terribly by talking to him - or a pastor."
"And if Dean denied the abuse to protect one of the pastors, then where would I be?"
"Had Dean been younger I wouldn't have been in such a dilemma. I would have taken the matter directly to the police."
"It was because of Dean's age - 13 - that I decided to say nothing," explains Rochelle.
"Instead, I enrolled Dean in several sports clubs - tennis and basketball - and removed him from Sunday School."
"Dean was very happy with the changes I made to his life and is becoming quite a sports star."
"I gained the distinct impression that Dean was relieved when I removed him from Sunday School," says Rochelle. "It was almost as if a burden had lifted from his shoulders."
"I will never know for certain what happened to Dean that weekend and I sometimes worry that keeping quiet about the possibility of a pedophile pastor at the camps will cause other little boys to be abused - but what else could I have done?"
"I know that pedophiles use shame and secrecy to keep on abusing children and I feel bad about being part of the problem rather than part of the solution," confesses Rochelle.
"I thought I was being a good mom sending Dean to Sunday School and allowing him to go away on camps - but apparently I was sending my boy to his ruin."
"Yes," sighs Rochelle, "I blame myself. If I had not been so busy with my own life - working and socializing - I might have known better than to trust a church group to take care of my son on weekends."
"It doesn't make me feel any better to know that this sort of thing also happens to kids from two-parent families," says Rochelle. "Raising kids on my own makes me probably far more aware than a married mom of the prevalence of child sexual abuse. I should have known better and I dearly hope that Dean suffers no lasting physical or emotional trauma from what happened to him."
"My son Dean became very withdrawn when he entered puberty and I became concerned about him being sexually abused when I found blood stains on his underpants."
"I never check the children's clothes for stains - I just gather the dirty clothes and chuck them in the washing machine with enough power cleaner to take care of any sort of stain," explains Rochelle, "and it was pure coincidence - or maybe design, his or God's - that I noticed the blood on Dean's underpants."
"I tried very hard to rationalize that the blood was caused by constipation," says Rochelle, "but I knew instinctively that it was something else."
"Dean had just turned 13 at the time and was going through that horrible puberty stage," explains Rochelle.
"He had changed in a very short time from a pleasant little boy into a secretive and difficult adolescent and I never suspected that there was something else going on in his life that made him behave differently."
"At this stage in a boy's life a father is very important and I regretted that Dean's dad hadn't been interested in keeping in touch with the boy," sighs Rochelle.
"It would have been good for me, too, to have had his father to talk to about this situation."
"I didn't know what to do."
"I had fully informed Dean of everything a boy needs to know long ago," says Rochelle, "and I had bought him plenty of books to read about sexuality and adolescence."
"Because he was so well informed I wondered whether he was exploring his own body - on his own or with a friend his own age."
"When his sister was 13 she was very open about all the things that were happening to her and I had never had reason to suspect any sort of sexual abuse with her."
"She would have told me," confides Rochelle, "but a boy is not likely to tell his mother - or even his father - about such things."
"The weekend before I found Dean's blood stained underpants he had been on a Sunday School Camp and I froze with horror at the prospect of his being sexually abused by a pastor."
"I didn't want to believe that any of the pastors could be capable of doing such a thing," says Rochelle, "and yet I only had to pick up the newspapers to know that this sort of thing goes on all the time."
"A thirteen-year old boy becoming aware of his sexuality - especially one without a father in his life - would be ideal prey for a kindly pedophile wanting to teach the boy things," says Rochelle.
"In that case, perhaps Dean may have been a willing student, but he is only thirteen and the pastor would have been taking advantage of an innocent child as well as committing a criminal offence."
"I tossed up in my mind whether to talk to Dean directly or to bring the matter to the attention of my pastor," says Rochelle, "but I didn't see what good would come of it."
"If Dean was doing some sexual experimentation with a boy of his own age then I would embarrass him terribly by talking to him - or a pastor."
"And if Dean denied the abuse to protect one of the pastors, then where would I be?"
"Had Dean been younger I wouldn't have been in such a dilemma. I would have taken the matter directly to the police."
"It was because of Dean's age - 13 - that I decided to say nothing," explains Rochelle.
"Instead, I enrolled Dean in several sports clubs - tennis and basketball - and removed him from Sunday School."
"Dean was very happy with the changes I made to his life and is becoming quite a sports star."
"I gained the distinct impression that Dean was relieved when I removed him from Sunday School," says Rochelle. "It was almost as if a burden had lifted from his shoulders."
"I will never know for certain what happened to Dean that weekend and I sometimes worry that keeping quiet about the possibility of a pedophile pastor at the camps will cause other little boys to be abused - but what else could I have done?"
"I know that pedophiles use shame and secrecy to keep on abusing children and I feel bad about being part of the problem rather than part of the solution," confesses Rochelle.
"I thought I was being a good mom sending Dean to Sunday School and allowing him to go away on camps - but apparently I was sending my boy to his ruin."
"Yes," sighs Rochelle, "I blame myself. If I had not been so busy with my own life - working and socializing - I might have known better than to trust a church group to take care of my son on weekends."
"It doesn't make me feel any better to know that this sort of thing also happens to kids from two-parent families," says Rochelle. "Raising kids on my own makes me probably far more aware than a married mom of the prevalence of child sexual abuse. I should have known better and I dearly hope that Dean suffers no lasting physical or emotional trauma from what happened to him."
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