when moms become dads
Dee is 38, separated with a young son, and although she never expected a marital split to end up with her becoming a dad-mom , both mother and father to her son, it's a role she performs to the best of her ability and actually came to enjoy.
"Becoming a dad-mom is not exclusive to separated mothers," explains Dee. "I met plenty of married women out there doing things with their sons because their husbands were too busy or too disinterested to develop father-son relationships."
"I also met plenty of single mothers who complained about deadbeat dads who deserted them without any financial support when they fell pregnant," says Dee. "In my case, my boy's father pays child support regularly and didn't let me down in that regard. He was a deadbeat dad in that he became too engrossed with his new woman to care about the son he had with me."
"My son quite naturally felt rejected by his father - and in desperation I took him to a therapist and tried to resolve the situation - but what can you do when a man claims that nobody, adult or child, has the right to his exclusive company?" says Dee. "I was forced to take on the role of both father and mother and it was a huge responsibility, something that I didn't expect as a consequence of separation, but I bore it with as much good grace as I could muster."
"Because his father's idea of the father-son relationship during his access periods essentially involves dumping the boy on his new woman to look after," explains Dee, "my son gains just about all his knowledge of 'manly' things - car racing, football matches, etc - from me. It would have been better had he done these things with a real dad, but his father wasn't that way inclined to start off with."
"My biggest problem as a dad-mom was finding time to do my own thing on weekends," says Dee. "I couldn't go out with the girls or go out on a date with my son in tow so I had to hire babysitters."
"The first babysitter I hired was a young girl who really upset me by taking the child to the beach one day and actually leaving him there on his own - exposing him to pedophiles and god knows what other danger," says Dee, "and on another occasion she told him to wait on the corner of a particular street where she knew magpies were attacking people and the poor child came home crying with an ear half pecked off."
"She was a cheap babysitter, but after those two experiences I was unwilling to entrust her - or any young girl - with his care ever again," says Dee. "I then decided to hire older, professional babysitters but it was far too expensive, so I either had to give up my private life or drag my son out with me wherever I went."
"Ironically, it was men rather than women that were most help to me during the early stages of being a dad-mom," says Dee. "Women without children or with good arrangements for their own children just didn't want to know me any more. They didn't like me bringing my son along with me to their lunches or parties. It wasn't as if he was a nuisance - he would just sit there happily playing with his Gameboy."
"I started developing friendships with men whom I considered good role model fathers - and mostly they were great for my son," says Dee, "but some became a problem, expecting a relationship with me to develop from the outings they took us on."
"Going on romantic dates with my son in tow was fine as long as the dates involved going somewhere special that the three of us could enjoy," says Dee, "but when you want to get cozy with a guy you really like it was a bit embarrassing with a kid staring at you from the backseat of a car!"
"Finally, I just gave up on having a private life and became a full-time dad-mom. My weekends were geared entirely to doing things with my son that were either educational or 'manly' pursuits."
"I think I'm doing a good job as a dad-mom, and quite enjoy our time together," says Dee. "My son is pretty well-adjusted and has gained more life experience from being with me than he would have if his father had been available."
"Becoming a dad-mom is not exclusive to separated mothers," explains Dee. "I met plenty of married women out there doing things with their sons because their husbands were too busy or too disinterested to develop father-son relationships."
"I also met plenty of single mothers who complained about deadbeat dads who deserted them without any financial support when they fell pregnant," says Dee. "In my case, my boy's father pays child support regularly and didn't let me down in that regard. He was a deadbeat dad in that he became too engrossed with his new woman to care about the son he had with me."
"My son quite naturally felt rejected by his father - and in desperation I took him to a therapist and tried to resolve the situation - but what can you do when a man claims that nobody, adult or child, has the right to his exclusive company?" says Dee. "I was forced to take on the role of both father and mother and it was a huge responsibility, something that I didn't expect as a consequence of separation, but I bore it with as much good grace as I could muster."
"Because his father's idea of the father-son relationship during his access periods essentially involves dumping the boy on his new woman to look after," explains Dee, "my son gains just about all his knowledge of 'manly' things - car racing, football matches, etc - from me. It would have been better had he done these things with a real dad, but his father wasn't that way inclined to start off with."
"My biggest problem as a dad-mom was finding time to do my own thing on weekends," says Dee. "I couldn't go out with the girls or go out on a date with my son in tow so I had to hire babysitters."
"The first babysitter I hired was a young girl who really upset me by taking the child to the beach one day and actually leaving him there on his own - exposing him to pedophiles and god knows what other danger," says Dee, "and on another occasion she told him to wait on the corner of a particular street where she knew magpies were attacking people and the poor child came home crying with an ear half pecked off."
"She was a cheap babysitter, but after those two experiences I was unwilling to entrust her - or any young girl - with his care ever again," says Dee. "I then decided to hire older, professional babysitters but it was far too expensive, so I either had to give up my private life or drag my son out with me wherever I went."
"Ironically, it was men rather than women that were most help to me during the early stages of being a dad-mom," says Dee. "Women without children or with good arrangements for their own children just didn't want to know me any more. They didn't like me bringing my son along with me to their lunches or parties. It wasn't as if he was a nuisance - he would just sit there happily playing with his Gameboy."
"I started developing friendships with men whom I considered good role model fathers - and mostly they were great for my son," says Dee, "but some became a problem, expecting a relationship with me to develop from the outings they took us on."
"Going on romantic dates with my son in tow was fine as long as the dates involved going somewhere special that the three of us could enjoy," says Dee, "but when you want to get cozy with a guy you really like it was a bit embarrassing with a kid staring at you from the backseat of a car!"
"Finally, I just gave up on having a private life and became a full-time dad-mom. My weekends were geared entirely to doing things with my son that were either educational or 'manly' pursuits."
"I think I'm doing a good job as a dad-mom, and quite enjoy our time together," says Dee. "My son is pretty well-adjusted and has gained more life experience from being with me than he would have if his father had been available."
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