freedom from domestic violence

Chantal, 48, made a proud decision 12 years ago to be poor and free rather than rich and abused, but in divorcing an abusive husband and freeing her children from domestic violence she never imagined that they would end up years later denying her suffering and blaming her for divorcing their father and stuffing up their lives.

"I deserve a medal of bravery for what I did 12 years ago," claims Chantal. "I can't believe, in this day and age, that anyone - least of all my children - would deny my suffering and wish I had remained in an abusive relationship."

"Divorcing that man was the bravest decision I have ever made," says Chantal, "and having made it I empowered myself to make similar decisions about anyone else who dared to abuse me and make me feel bad about myself. I don't care who they are - employer, friend, lover, mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter - I will not tolerate an unhealthy relationship. I will not be controlled, owned, raped, humiliated, blamed, pushed, shoved or threatened ever again."

"I was very naive when I married and consequently fell pregnant immediately," explains Chantal. "After the birth of my first daughter I went on the pill and stayed on it, despite mounting health risks, for thirteen years without a break and then finally, on strict medical advice, I took a break and fell pregnant again. My ex-husband refused to use male contraception - he couldn't care less about whether I fell pregnant or not - so during this break from the pill I refused him sex."

"He retaliated by forcing himself on me when I was asleep," sighs Chantal. "When I woke up and realized what he was doing he forced me on my stomach and continued raping me until he was done - and then he turned over and slept, leaving me crying."

"I don't know whether he deliberately raped me to make me pregnant - or just to satisfy his lust," says Chantal, "but when I told him I was pregnant he was a lot happier than I was. Imagine this happening thirteen years after the first mishap - after all my precautions!"

"During my second pregnancy the abuse worsened," sighs Chantal, "and after my second daughter was born it became intolerable. He lashed out at all of us."

"I protected those kids with my life, literally, and although they may prefer to remember one or two bad times over the thousands of happy times they spent with me, I did my very best and I'm very proud that I raised two children to healthy adulthood," says Chantal. "It was my duty as a mother to protect my children from harm and provide them with a good, strong female role model."

"I felt deep despair being stuck in a marriage where I had to take his abuse as if I deserved it, and especially so if he dished it out in front of the children."

"I didn't want my children to see their mother being abused," explains Chantal. "If they now feel, as their father encourages them to do, that I lied and made a bad decision twelve years ago that adversely affected them and as such I am responsible for everything that goes wrong in their lives forever and ever then what can I say?"

"It was such a long time ago - and neither of my children knew half of the stuff that I endured and possibly can't even remember the abuse they did witness," says Chantal, "so their father can easily paint an entirely different impression of what happened and impress it upon them."

"I suppose I can chase up the medical records, the police records, the court records and the witness statements - but why the hell should I?" asks Chantal. "If they want to believe that their father is incapable of abuse then let them believe what they want."

"It's history, it's dead and buried, it's stuff that happened between their father and I and essentially has nothing to do with them. The divorce did not affect them adversely - it freed them from domestic violence - and I can't believe that twelve years later they would blame me for something they should be thanking me for."

"It is ludicrous and grossly unfair for them to claim that their problems are a direct consequence of my divorcing their father twelve years ago and as such I must take full responsibility and blame," says Chantal. "The consequences to myself and my children of remaining in a domestic violence situation would have been abominable. Do they truly believe that my staying in an abusive marriage would have been a good decision that would have benefited them?"

"I am in my rights to protect myself, tell them to let go and mind their own business - I am not their property and I refuse to get involved in irrational arguments with them," says Chantal, "but that's all I can do. Even though I can see that their relationship with their father has become dangerous and they need to cut ties with him immediately before he does more damage to them, I've never interfered in their relationship with him - and I never will."

"It's a mantra, I know," sighs Chantal, "but no matter how hurt I feel, and how badly I can see how they are being affected by their father, I must respect their right to make adult decisions involving responsibilities and consequences for which they, and they alone, are liable."

"They must learn to let go of the past - as I have," says Chantal. "If they don't, they are liable to end up in abusive relationships themselves."

"I feel healed enough from the experience to be able to marry again - and I have been looking," says Chantal. "but finding the right guy at my age isn't easy."

declarations of war

When one person in a failed marriage refuses to separate peacefully, preferring to hassle the other person in punishment for daring to end the relationship, Athena, 44, believes that a declaration of war has been issued and even though it is not expressed as such it nevertheless exists.

"My husband effectively declared war on me when I could no longer stand his abuse and asked for a separation," says Athena. "I should have been alerted to an upcoming war - after all, an abuser never gives up, it's the nature of the beast - but I was protected by law and believed I would be safe."

"Because of continuing parental rights," says Athena, "I was forced by law to endure his continuing presence in my life via his access visits with our son, and while I could tolerate this - and indeed welcomed a break from parenting to have a life of my own - I did not expect him to stoop so low that he would be willing to destroy the little boy's life in order to punish me."

"The financial insults, and there were plenty of them, didn't hurt me at all," says Athena. "Sometimes the child maintenance money arrived, sometimes it didn't. He refused to put the money in a banking account. He insulted me by shoving it in my hand, as if he was paying a prostitute rather than giving the money to help support his son."

"The money he gave me was barely enough to cover my boy's expenses," says Athena, "but to have changed the maintenance payments would have required a court appearance and I didn't wish to beg or have further dealings with him other than was necessary."

"The war was on his part, and his part alone," says Athena. "I just got on with my life and did my best to ignore the gross inequalities in our financial situations. I was poor, but I was free."

"It was awful the way he insulted me by trying to poison other people's minds against me - including my family – and most of all our little boy’s mind," says Athena. "His poisoning behavior not only isolated me from support - forcing me to find new friends - but it also made me realize how shallow human nature can be.”

“Even though a lot of former friends may have drifted off because they didn't want to get involved, some definitely shunned me."

"Nobody really wins any war," sighs Athena, "and the war my ex-husband declared after we separated -- using our son as pawn -- was a losing situation for us all."

"Get married again? I don't think so!"

Read more of Athena’s story:

child poisoning access visits

abusive relationships

Clara, 46, had enjoyed five years of freedom, living her life independently, before she married at 21. She thought she was in control of her life and knew everything when she entered the relationship - as young adults do at that age - but she was so naive that she now blushes in shame at how she was manipulated.

"Up until then," explains Clara, "I only knew about physical violence and verbal abuse. I didn't know about manipulation, coercion, control, possessiveness, jealousy, blaming and guilt. I didn't even know about romantic love - I had read about falling in love, but I had never experienced it - I just thought that it would happen after marriage."

"I married the new boy on the block," explains Clara. "My mom thought he was a wonderful - a good, clean hard working boy - and she did everything in her power to bring us together. But she didn't know, and neither did I, what he was really like until it was too late."

"I did witness slight signs of violence and bad temper in him before we married, but it didn't worry me too much," explains Clara. "My dad had been a violent man and mom had divorced him and ended up happy, so if the same thing happened to me I thought I could always get away - but falling pregnant made me a prisoner in a way I never imagined possible."

"Knowing young women who ended up being bashed by their husbands in drunken rages, I guess I could have done worse," says Clara. "He didn't drink, and when he raged he thankfully smashed furniture and windows rather than me."

"The abuse just started off small and built up to a crunch time," explains Clara. "I felt like a frog being boiled in hot water without the will or wherewithal to jump out."

"I felt bad when he put me down because I'd gained so much weight during the second pregnancy," says Clara, "but I felt worse when he discarded me as 'dead meat' when I was later diagnosed with cancer. The cancer treatment caused me to lose a lot of weight fast - which was good - but when I lost my hair I was shocked and humiliated when he compared my worth as a woman with our young and beautiful daughter with long, golden hair. Imagine how horrible that was."

"Anyway," says Clara, "I survived all this - and got back on my feet - and I only snapped and decided to end the marriage when he started coming home during the day, when my daughter was at school, demanding sex, violently raging at me in front of our little boy and scaring the wits out of the poor thing."

"That was the crunch for me," says Clara. "I jumped out of that marriage faster than any frog has ever jumped!"

"He re-married very quickly and started another family - but he didn't learn from the first experience," says Clara. "Maybe he thinks I divorced him because he wasn't abusive enough with me and needs to try harder next time around."

"My kids still see their dad and tell me that he's worse than ever," sighs Clara. "His behavior is still violent, abusive, threatening, manipulative and diabolically possessive towards those he considers 'inferior' to him - dependent women and children."

"I think it's the way the man is - his genetic inheritance - and the way he was raised to be," says Clara "For most of his life society sanctioned that sort of male behavior towards women and children - but in today's world it is considered criminal behavior and someone should have the guts to report him to the police or force him into therapy. Like all cowardly abusers, he is 'sweet' in public, does his hitting in private, denies responsibility and sheets blame on everyone else."

"That his new wife remains married to him indicates that she's made a decision that putting up with his abuse - towards her and her children - is far better than being a poor single mother," says Clara, "but what sort of marital ideal is she showing her children?"

"These days, one in three marriages end in divorce and probably one in three divorces is amicable with both parents being able to maintain a friendly relationship," says Clara, "but divorces caused by domestic violence never, ever, result in friendly post-divorce relationships."

"The dynamics between an abuser and his victim never change," says Clara, "and it wouldn't surprise me if most of the two in three marriages that don't end up in divorce are kept intact by abused women who don't have the self-esteem to leave their abuser. I wasn't married in church, but for a woman who was she has the added burden of her 'till death do us part' wedding vow."

"I have lived long enough to know that there are two major classes of people in the world - the abusers and the abused," sighs Clara. "Unfortunately, like most women, I fall into the latter category and that is why I need to be careful of the people I allow into my life. I wasn't very careful in the past because I didn't know any better - back then, all women got abused by men in one way or another - but I do know better now."

"I've got a nice relationship with a guy now," confides Clara, "but I'd never marry again. Why spoil a good thing?"

"Abuse is abuse and no woman in her right mind tolerates it, excuses it or willingly puts herself in a situation where she is liable to get more of it!"