freedom from domestic violence
Chantal, 48, made a proud decision 12 years ago to be poor and free rather than rich and abused, but in divorcing an abusive husband and freeing her children from domestic violence she never imagined that they would end up years later denying her suffering and blaming her for divorcing their father and stuffing up their lives.
"I deserve a medal of bravery for what I did 12 years ago," claims Chantal. "I can't believe, in this day and age, that anyone - least of all my children - would deny my suffering and wish I had remained in an abusive relationship."
"Divorcing that man was the bravest decision I have ever made," says Chantal, "and having made it I empowered myself to make similar decisions about anyone else who dared to abuse me and make me feel bad about myself. I don't care who they are - employer, friend, lover, mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter - I will not tolerate an unhealthy relationship. I will not be controlled, owned, raped, humiliated, blamed, pushed, shoved or threatened ever again."
"I was very naive when I married and consequently fell pregnant immediately," explains Chantal. "After the birth of my first daughter I went on the pill and stayed on it, despite mounting health risks, for thirteen years without a break and then finally, on strict medical advice, I took a break and fell pregnant again. My ex-husband refused to use male contraception - he couldn't care less about whether I fell pregnant or not - so during this break from the pill I refused him sex."
"He retaliated by forcing himself on me when I was asleep," sighs Chantal. "When I woke up and realized what he was doing he forced me on my stomach and continued raping me until he was done - and then he turned over and slept, leaving me crying."
"I don't know whether he deliberately raped me to make me pregnant - or just to satisfy his lust," says Chantal, "but when I told him I was pregnant he was a lot happier than I was. Imagine this happening thirteen years after the first mishap - after all my precautions!"
"During my second pregnancy the abuse worsened," sighs Chantal, "and after my second daughter was born it became intolerable. He lashed out at all of us."
"I protected those kids with my life, literally, and although they may prefer to remember one or two bad times over the thousands of happy times they spent with me, I did my very best and I'm very proud that I raised two children to healthy adulthood," says Chantal. "It was my duty as a mother to protect my children from harm and provide them with a good, strong female role model."
"I felt deep despair being stuck in a marriage where I had to take his abuse as if I deserved it, and especially so if he dished it out in front of the children."
"I didn't want my children to see their mother being abused," explains Chantal. "If they now feel, as their father encourages them to do, that I lied and made a bad decision twelve years ago that adversely affected them and as such I am responsible for everything that goes wrong in their lives forever and ever then what can I say?"
"It was such a long time ago - and neither of my children knew half of the stuff that I endured and possibly can't even remember the abuse they did witness," says Chantal, "so their father can easily paint an entirely different impression of what happened and impress it upon them."
"I suppose I can chase up the medical records, the police records, the court records and the witness statements - but why the hell should I?" asks Chantal. "If they want to believe that their father is incapable of abuse then let them believe what they want."
"It's history, it's dead and buried, it's stuff that happened between their father and I and essentially has nothing to do with them. The divorce did not affect them adversely - it freed them from domestic violence - and I can't believe that twelve years later they would blame me for something they should be thanking me for."
"It is ludicrous and grossly unfair for them to claim that their problems are a direct consequence of my divorcing their father twelve years ago and as such I must take full responsibility and blame," says Chantal. "The consequences to myself and my children of remaining in a domestic violence situation would have been abominable. Do they truly believe that my staying in an abusive marriage would have been a good decision that would have benefited them?"
"I am in my rights to protect myself, tell them to let go and mind their own business - I am not their property and I refuse to get involved in irrational arguments with them," says Chantal, "but that's all I can do. Even though I can see that their relationship with their father has become dangerous and they need to cut ties with him immediately before he does more damage to them, I've never interfered in their relationship with him - and I never will."
"It's a mantra, I know," sighs Chantal, "but no matter how hurt I feel, and how badly I can see how they are being affected by their father, I must respect their right to make adult decisions involving responsibilities and consequences for which they, and they alone, are liable."
"They must learn to let go of the past - as I have," says Chantal. "If they don't, they are liable to end up in abusive relationships themselves."
"I feel healed enough from the experience to be able to marry again - and I have been looking," says Chantal. "but finding the right guy at my age isn't easy."
"I deserve a medal of bravery for what I did 12 years ago," claims Chantal. "I can't believe, in this day and age, that anyone - least of all my children - would deny my suffering and wish I had remained in an abusive relationship."
"Divorcing that man was the bravest decision I have ever made," says Chantal, "and having made it I empowered myself to make similar decisions about anyone else who dared to abuse me and make me feel bad about myself. I don't care who they are - employer, friend, lover, mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter - I will not tolerate an unhealthy relationship. I will not be controlled, owned, raped, humiliated, blamed, pushed, shoved or threatened ever again."
"I was very naive when I married and consequently fell pregnant immediately," explains Chantal. "After the birth of my first daughter I went on the pill and stayed on it, despite mounting health risks, for thirteen years without a break and then finally, on strict medical advice, I took a break and fell pregnant again. My ex-husband refused to use male contraception - he couldn't care less about whether I fell pregnant or not - so during this break from the pill I refused him sex."
"He retaliated by forcing himself on me when I was asleep," sighs Chantal. "When I woke up and realized what he was doing he forced me on my stomach and continued raping me until he was done - and then he turned over and slept, leaving me crying."
"I don't know whether he deliberately raped me to make me pregnant - or just to satisfy his lust," says Chantal, "but when I told him I was pregnant he was a lot happier than I was. Imagine this happening thirteen years after the first mishap - after all my precautions!"
"During my second pregnancy the abuse worsened," sighs Chantal, "and after my second daughter was born it became intolerable. He lashed out at all of us."
"I protected those kids with my life, literally, and although they may prefer to remember one or two bad times over the thousands of happy times they spent with me, I did my very best and I'm very proud that I raised two children to healthy adulthood," says Chantal. "It was my duty as a mother to protect my children from harm and provide them with a good, strong female role model."
"I felt deep despair being stuck in a marriage where I had to take his abuse as if I deserved it, and especially so if he dished it out in front of the children."
"I didn't want my children to see their mother being abused," explains Chantal. "If they now feel, as their father encourages them to do, that I lied and made a bad decision twelve years ago that adversely affected them and as such I am responsible for everything that goes wrong in their lives forever and ever then what can I say?"
"It was such a long time ago - and neither of my children knew half of the stuff that I endured and possibly can't even remember the abuse they did witness," says Chantal, "so their father can easily paint an entirely different impression of what happened and impress it upon them."
"I suppose I can chase up the medical records, the police records, the court records and the witness statements - but why the hell should I?" asks Chantal. "If they want to believe that their father is incapable of abuse then let them believe what they want."
"It's history, it's dead and buried, it's stuff that happened between their father and I and essentially has nothing to do with them. The divorce did not affect them adversely - it freed them from domestic violence - and I can't believe that twelve years later they would blame me for something they should be thanking me for."
"It is ludicrous and grossly unfair for them to claim that their problems are a direct consequence of my divorcing their father twelve years ago and as such I must take full responsibility and blame," says Chantal. "The consequences to myself and my children of remaining in a domestic violence situation would have been abominable. Do they truly believe that my staying in an abusive marriage would have been a good decision that would have benefited them?"
"I am in my rights to protect myself, tell them to let go and mind their own business - I am not their property and I refuse to get involved in irrational arguments with them," says Chantal, "but that's all I can do. Even though I can see that their relationship with their father has become dangerous and they need to cut ties with him immediately before he does more damage to them, I've never interfered in their relationship with him - and I never will."
"It's a mantra, I know," sighs Chantal, "but no matter how hurt I feel, and how badly I can see how they are being affected by their father, I must respect their right to make adult decisions involving responsibilities and consequences for which they, and they alone, are liable."
"They must learn to let go of the past - as I have," says Chantal. "If they don't, they are liable to end up in abusive relationships themselves."
"I feel healed enough from the experience to be able to marry again - and I have been looking," says Chantal. "but finding the right guy at my age isn't easy."
Labels: abuse, children, domestic violence, doomed marriage, freedom, wives, wounded
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