postal harassment
Alice is 31, lives alone in a small apartment and earns an above-average income. She has been separated from her possessive husband for seven months, and hardly a day goes by without her friendly postman delivering a manipulative letter from her soon-to-be-divorced husband either begging her to change her mind or cursing her to hell.
When the letters first arrived, Alice opened them and read them but they upset her so much that she soon stopped reading them.
"All of them were designed to manipulate my feelings, to control me, to make me feel guilty or simply to annoy me," sighs Alice.
Alice then started to put all of his letters into the garbage bin unopened. She felt it was useless informing her estranged husband verbally or in writing that she did not wish to receive further letters from him. And she felt that it was equally useless to send the letters back to him ‘return to sender’.
"To respond in either of these manners," explains Alice, "would let him know that I was upset, thus giving him the reaction he wants."
When Alice informed her lawyer about what was happening, he advised her to keep the letters for evidence should a restraining order be necessary some time in the future. She then started to put all of his letters into a box and stored the box in an out-of-sight place.
Alice wasn’t too happy about keeping the letters, and it embarrassed her enormously to think that one day any of these letters could be read publicly in a court.
"Some men," says Alice, "are so intent upon manipulating their estranged wives that they actually want to appear in court - they want to drag their ex wives down as far as they can."
Finally, Alice got sick and tired of these letters arriving in her mailbox.
"I thought of asking a neighbor, a friend or a relative to sort my mail and remove the offensive letters before I got home from work," says Alice, "but I thought better of it. The less people knew of my predicament, the better. Who knows who might bear a secret grudge against me and cause me further grief?"
Alice’s brilliant solution to the postal pestering was to get a Post Office Box. She advised all necessary people and authorities of her change of mailing address, and then she paid a nominal fee to her Post Office to hold all mail that was posted to her home address. The mail hold option was for a maximum permissible period of one year, by which time Alice’s divorce would be settled and she hoped by then that her estranged husband would have got a life.
"If all else fails," says Alice, "I have the option to move and not leave a forwarding address, but I’d only contemplate such a drastic move if the stress was making me ill or interfering with my work."
So far, Alice has been very careful not to give her estranged husband the reaction he wants, and while it would be nice to believe that when you refuse to play games with a manipulative ex-partner he will eventually give up and go away, the statistics show otherwise - particularly for women who must continue dealing with an ex-partner because of access to children or maintenance payments.
Alice is relieved that her marriage had been short-lived, there were no children and the pre-nuptial agreement guaranteed no loss of assets, but with a pathologically possessive ex-husband she has good reason to remain afraid.
"I’m quite aware that some women continue to be harassed by their ex-husbands long after the divorce is finalized," says Alice, "and some have the awful fate of being hounded until they or their ex-husbands are carried away by the men in white or the undertakers. It’s a very unpleasant situation."
"The option is always there for women in real trouble to pack up, change their name, leave the country or do whatever they have to do in order to get the ex off their backs," says Alice, "but that option is often not available for separated women with children."
"I don’t blame women who thwart a manipulative estranged husband by getting themselves a new guy as quickly as possible," says Alice, "preferably somebody bigger, stronger and hairier than their ex. It is a very effective deterrent."
"And yes," sighs Alice, "I considered that option, too, but after my recent experience with a unhappy marriage I prefer to keep away from all men!"
When the letters first arrived, Alice opened them and read them but they upset her so much that she soon stopped reading them.
"All of them were designed to manipulate my feelings, to control me, to make me feel guilty or simply to annoy me," sighs Alice.
Alice then started to put all of his letters into the garbage bin unopened. She felt it was useless informing her estranged husband verbally or in writing that she did not wish to receive further letters from him. And she felt that it was equally useless to send the letters back to him ‘return to sender’.
"To respond in either of these manners," explains Alice, "would let him know that I was upset, thus giving him the reaction he wants."
When Alice informed her lawyer about what was happening, he advised her to keep the letters for evidence should a restraining order be necessary some time in the future. She then started to put all of his letters into a box and stored the box in an out-of-sight place.
Alice wasn’t too happy about keeping the letters, and it embarrassed her enormously to think that one day any of these letters could be read publicly in a court.
"Some men," says Alice, "are so intent upon manipulating their estranged wives that they actually want to appear in court - they want to drag their ex wives down as far as they can."
Finally, Alice got sick and tired of these letters arriving in her mailbox.
"I thought of asking a neighbor, a friend or a relative to sort my mail and remove the offensive letters before I got home from work," says Alice, "but I thought better of it. The less people knew of my predicament, the better. Who knows who might bear a secret grudge against me and cause me further grief?"
Alice’s brilliant solution to the postal pestering was to get a Post Office Box. She advised all necessary people and authorities of her change of mailing address, and then she paid a nominal fee to her Post Office to hold all mail that was posted to her home address. The mail hold option was for a maximum permissible period of one year, by which time Alice’s divorce would be settled and she hoped by then that her estranged husband would have got a life.
"If all else fails," says Alice, "I have the option to move and not leave a forwarding address, but I’d only contemplate such a drastic move if the stress was making me ill or interfering with my work."
So far, Alice has been very careful not to give her estranged husband the reaction he wants, and while it would be nice to believe that when you refuse to play games with a manipulative ex-partner he will eventually give up and go away, the statistics show otherwise - particularly for women who must continue dealing with an ex-partner because of access to children or maintenance payments.
Alice is relieved that her marriage had been short-lived, there were no children and the pre-nuptial agreement guaranteed no loss of assets, but with a pathologically possessive ex-husband she has good reason to remain afraid.
"I’m quite aware that some women continue to be harassed by their ex-husbands long after the divorce is finalized," says Alice, "and some have the awful fate of being hounded until they or their ex-husbands are carried away by the men in white or the undertakers. It’s a very unpleasant situation."
"The option is always there for women in real trouble to pack up, change their name, leave the country or do whatever they have to do in order to get the ex off their backs," says Alice, "but that option is often not available for separated women with children."
"I don’t blame women who thwart a manipulative estranged husband by getting themselves a new guy as quickly as possible," says Alice, "preferably somebody bigger, stronger and hairier than their ex. It is a very effective deterrent."
"And yes," sighs Alice, "I considered that option, too, but after my recent experience with a unhappy marriage I prefer to keep away from all men!"
Labels: divorce, estrangement, harassment, letters, marriage, separated women, separation
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