father's day misconception

With two children under three running her ragged and being nagged by her husband Troy to lose a bit of weight and get her act together Claudia couldn't believe her bad luck when she discovered she was pregnant again. How could this be?

"Since the last child's birth Troy and I had only had sex twice," sighs Claudia, "and both times I hated it and just did it to please him."

"Troy had used a condom both times - I made sure he did - and either he didn't put it on properly the last time we had sex or it was a dud condom."

"Ironically, the last time we had sex was on Father's Day. Troy had been in a bad mood because the kids had been playing up and I suppose he used sex to vent his frustrations on me."

"Either way I was the loser," sighs Claudia. "The last thing I needed was another baby on my hands, and when I told Troy I was pregnant he wasn't happy either - actually he was angry at me. As if it was my fault!"

"Things got very tense at home after that - and Troy was staying out later and later to avoid me," says Claudia.

"Our marriage was virtually on the rocks and I was trapped - and this new baby was going to get me further into a state of physical and mental wreckage than I was already."

"This baby had not been conceived out of love and passion like the other two children," says Claudia, " and I felt terrible about bringing an unwanted child into the world."

"As if to acknowledge its misconception that poor soul aborted itself," sighs Claudia.

"When I was nearly three months pregnant I started bleeding heavily and had to be rushed to hospital."

"Troy just dumped me at the door of the hospital and took off with the kids," explains Claudia, "and I had to face the ordeal ahead of me on my own."

"I was lying on the pre-op bed crying helplessly when a male nurse came in and said he had to shave me."

"The utter powerlessness of my situation was now complete."

"A selfish husband had forced himself on me and made me pregnant - and now a strange male nurse was going to shave my pubic area so that a male doctor could perform a curette and rid me of the fetus that the selfish husband had created."

"After the curette, I called Troy and I waited outside the hospital until he arrived."

"We went home in silence - only the kids were chatting - and after a few hours of sleep I got up and went about my normal duties."

"If this is as good as it gets then that poor misconceived soul was smart to opt out of such a cruel and miserable life."

Claudia's story first appeared as misconception and miscarriage and is reprinted with permission.

a viral marriage

Caitlin's passion for Patrick overcame her revulsion of the cold sores - herpes simplex - he developed every so often on his lips and was able to hide with a beard, but after marriage and pregnancy she discovered that herpes wasn't the only health hazard that she and the new infant were exposed to.

"I was always worried about catching the cold sores from Patrick," says Caitlin, "but by cutting out kissing when the sores were active I was pretty well safeguarded and during our six-month courtship I never contracted the virus myself."

"It's possible that I was already immune to the virus," says Caitlin, "but I wasn't taking any chances - I just didn't want to go through life having to cope with sores on my mouth that I couldn't hide with a beard like Patrick did."

"I am very particular about my health as you can tell," laughs Caitlin, "and I was also a virgin when I met Patrick - so we did things very slowly."

"We did have sex before marriage but it wasn't until I had been married for a few months that I started getting vaginal yeast infections."

"Technically I suppose yeast infections - thrush or monilia - aren't classed as STDs," says Caitlin, "but I certainly didn't have these infections before I started having regular sex so what else are they if they're not sexually transmitted?"

"I was torn between my passion for Patrick and the fact that kissing him and making love with him was a health hazard," sighs Caitlin.

"It's a bit silly when a married couple have to use condoms, but that's how we coped - it was either that or continual courses of medication to clear up the yeast infection."

"When it was time to start a family I expected that everything would sort itself out," says Caitlin, "but that's when my troubles started in earnest."

"Throughout my whole pregnancy I was cursed with the most obnoxious yeast infection you could imagine - huge chunks of cottage cheese type yeast were present in my vagina and the usual medication just didn't work."

"I resisted my doctor's suggestion to try a stronger medication as I didn't want to do anything to harm the baby," explains Caitlin. "I just put up with it. It was so horrible that Patrick didn't want to come near me in case he caught it - even though he caused it to start off with!"

"The doctor warned me that if I didn't clear up the yeast infection before the baby was born there was a risk the child would be born with it, too," says Caitlin, "and I decided to cross that bridge when I came to it."

"Now that Patrick wasn't wanting to have sex with me there was a possibility that the yeast infection would clear up - and it did - but unfortunately our baby son was tested positive for yeast infection and needed medication straight away after birth."

"As luck would have it Patrick got a bad case of cold sores as soon as I gave birth and the doctor warned him not to go near the baby until his sores had cleared up."

"It was bad enough that I had given the baby a yeast infection without Patrick giving him the herpes simplex virus - for which there is no cure - and I naively trusted that Patrick would do the right thing."

"A week after returning from the maternity hospital a tell-tale sore appeared on the baby's lips and I was devastated," says Caitlin. "Patrick denied kissing the baby, but I could tell he was lying. How could he deliberately infect a new born baby with that awful virus?"

"Patrick and I had a lot of arguments after that," says Caitlin. "I realized that marrying him had been a health risk from the start and while I was willing to take responsibility for the risk to myself I was not willing to risk my child's health - especially when Patrick had deliberately infected my new-born baby with an incurable virus."

"I couldn't trust him any more," says Caitlin, "and when trust is broken, love and attraction fly out the window."

"We're still living together for the sake of our child," says Caitlin, "but there's no married life between us and although herpes simplex is not a life sentence like HIV could be, I still feel very upset for the terrible curse that Patrick inflicted on my little baby."

Caitlin's story first appeared as health hazard husband and is reprinted with permission.

sperm donor wanted

When Leanne thinks of Cyndi Lauper's song True Colors she's reminded of her ex husband, Jack, who was as proud as a peacock when she told him she was pregnant - but later discovered that it was his ability to make a baby that he was proud of, not the prospect of raising a child with her.

"When Jack started avoiding me after taking me out to dinner to celebrate my pregnancy I knew I was in trouble, " says Leanne.

"There was no way I was capable of raising a child on my own and if Jack didn't want to participate in the child's future then I needed to get an abortion as quickly as possible."

"I finally managed to get Jack to agree to a discussion," says Leanne, "and I laid my cards clearly in front of him."

"He maintained that the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy or have an abortion was entirely my decision," says Leanne. "He didn't see the life growing inside me as being a responsibility of his - even though it was his sperm that created it."

"Faced with the brutal truth I had very little alternative."

"Jack didn't say so but I suppose he had contemplated a future divorce and a lifetime spent paying maintenance for a child he didn't want."

"I was 36 and this may have been my last chance to become a mother," says Leanne, "but when I looked at Jack that night and saw what a lily-livered coward he was I didn't want a man like that to be the father of my child."

"I made an appointment to have an abortion and the counseling session was really trying for me," sighs Leanne.

"I suppose by then the hormones had kicked in and I was feeling 'clucky' and 'protective' even though my brain was totally against having this child."

"It was the first - and hopefully the last - abortion I will ever have to endure," says Leanne. "It didn't hurt and I was treated very well but I couldn't help but cry like a baby when it was all over."

"The whole male-female situation really stinks," sighs Leanne. "Jack and I hadn't planned on having a child -- it just happened, despite contraception -- and it really sucks that the woman has to pay the consequences of what a man's sperm does."

"Jack had been so proud that at 47 he was firing healthy sperm rather than 'blanks' -- which is how he put it -- and that's all there was to it as far as he was concerned."

"If he had wanted proof of his fertility than he should have got it at a clinic -- not through my misery and the murder of a new human being."

"A bad choice of man?"

"Well, tell me how to pick a good one," sighs Leanne.

"Anyway, someone else might have let me down when it was too late for an abortion," says Leanne. "If Jack has one redeeming point it is that he showed his true colors early enough for me to right a great wrong."

"After the abortion, there was no point continuing with the marriage," says Leanne. "Jack was a flake and a poor excuse for a man. He even chickened out of accompanying me to the abortion clinic. I had to go through it all on my own."

"What's the use of having a husband if he's not there for you?"

"I'm considering going ahead and having a sperm donor baby," confides Leanne. "I know it will be difficult being a single mom, but considering the woeful quality of potential husbands and fathers out there I believe it's the only option open to me?"

"Wish me luck!"

(Leanne's story first appeared as true colors and is reprinted with permission.)

a kept woman

Cissy and Felix were poor, young migrants in a strange new country when they met in the mid-1970s and they married to get ahead and solve accommodation problems more than anything else.

"I had two jobs and a bit of money saved and Felix had nothing when we married," says Cissy. "He was behind in the rent and I moved in with him and paid his expenses until he got a job and started earning money."

"In those days men earned twice as much as women," sighs Cissy. "It didn't seem fair that I had to work two jobs - day and night - to earn as much as he did, but that was why marriage was so attractive to me. It was the only way a woman could get ahead in life."

"More than anything else I wanted a home of my own - not just because it was such a waste of money to pay rent but also because I missed my home in the old country," says Cissy. "As soon as Felix started a steady job, with regular wages, we used my savings as a deposit on a cheap house and I gave up my second job. We were so happy - we were on our way!"

"Felix and I liked each other and we got on reasonably well," explains Cissy, "but there was no romance between us. We weren't in love or anything like that. Our marriage was a business arrangement more than anything else. We were helping each other get ahead in life - it was the sort of thing lots of young people did in those days, and still do if they don't have a rich family to help them."

"Felix decided to start a business of his own about the same time as I got promoted at work," says Cissy, "and for a time I was earning a lot more money than he was, and then the unthinkable happened. I got pregnant!"

"It was a contraceptive failure - neither Felix nor I had planned on having children," explains Cissy, "but when the pregnancy became known neither of us contemplated an abortion. We just accepted it as one of those things and adjusted our lives to the prospect of a new mouth to feed."

"One of the bad consequences of pregnancy in those days was that I had to leave work," explains Cissy. "I was forced into becoming totally financially dependant upon Felix and I felt ashamed to be a burden on him."

"Felix gave me a weekly allowance for housekeeping and personal expenses for myself and our baby daughter," says Cissy, "and I was made to feel even more ashamed if I could not make ends meet."

"Year after year Felix gave me the same amount of money - no matter how much prices had gone up," sighs Cissy, "and I never complained or asked him for more."

"I became very clever at making clothes, mending things and growing our own vegetables," says Cissy, "and while our daughter never went without anything, I had to accept that there was never going to be anything left for me."

"Felix's business was doing well, but he always complained that it wasn't doing well enough," says Cissy. "I understood that he needed to pour a lot of money into the business - and keep up the image of a successful businessman - so at first it didn't really bother me that he needed to buy a new company car every year, and new office equipment and new suits and things."

"After six years as a 'kept woman' - feeling dowdy and depressed - I wanted to go back to work and be able to earn my own income," says Cissy, "but Felix insisted that his business depended upon my being there for him - day and night - for emergencies."

"He never paid me for the odd jobs I'd do for his business," explains Cissy, "he just took it for granted that I'd always be there to help him, and do his washing and cooking and cleaning up after him."

"I had no idea how much he was making," says Cissy. "He kept all financial records at his office, and the only time he mentioned money was to complain about not having enough. He did this, of course, to make me feel obliged to make the paltry allowance he gave me stretch further than ever."

"In six years I had not seen a dentist or a hair-dresser - far too expensive - or bought myself anything," says Cissy, "and when I got a bad toothache one day I decided that it was time to put my foot down and start looking after myself."

"Felix had never stinted himself on any personal expense - he always had sparkling white teeth, sharp new haircuts and fancy clothes to go with the fancy company car," explains Cissy. "I explained that I had no money and needed to see a dentist immediately and he had the cheek to accuse me of being a bad housekeeper for not saving up for such emergencies."

"Reluctantly, he gave me some extra money to see a dentist, but from that day onwards our marriage was dead," says Cissy. "I insisted on going back to work and when I had saved enough money to take care of myself, I asked for a divorce."

"Felix had obviously planned as much for this day as I had," explains Cissy. "He packed some clothes and left the same day - without any sort of scene whatsoever."

"The following week I received a letter from Felix advising me to sell the house - now worth a small fortune - and I became suspicious," says Cissy. "The house was in both of our names, but I had provided the deposit for the house and had worked my fingers to the bone maintaining it throughout the entire marriage. The last thing I wanted was to give up my home."

"I wrote back to Felix saying he gets to keep the business, equipment and car, I get to keep the house," says Cissy "and that's all I wanted. I knew his business was probably worth a lot more than the house, but I didn't care. I just wanted to be a free woman again."

"As usual, Felix moaned about the business not doing too good, and the expense of having to rent an apartment," says Cissy, "and because he knew I had saved up a bit of money from my new job he actually stung me for half of my savings - which at that time was barely $10,000 - in the divorce and property settlement. After paying Felix and my lawyer, I had no money left."

"It never occurred to me - or my lawyer - to investigate Felix's business and property dealings," says Cissy. "I learned years later that Felix actually owned the apartment he moved to and had extensive investment portfolios that I never knew he had. The property settlement between us had been a total fraud on his behalf."

"For the whole marriage - including the period I was working - I had scrimped and saved and done without while Felix maintained the image of lifestyle of a successful businessman," sighs Cissy. "I kept accurate housekeeping records and when I went back to work I was open and honest about what I earned, spent and saved while Felix remained totally secretive about his financial affairs - but always crying poor, of course."

"Poor fool me for being a mousy kept woman!" laughs Cissy. "I should have demanded ten times as much housekeeping money as Felix gave me, and insisted on being privy to his financial affairs."

"We went into this marriage to help each other - to be partners in every sense of the word," says Cissy, "and if it were not for an unplanned pregnancy, and being forced to leave work, he would never have become so mean, cunning and secretive about money."

"That he screwed me out of half of my hard-earned savings at the end of the marriage means that he must have resented having to support me and a child in the early years and never took into account the net worth of the work I was doing for him at home - and for his business," sighs Cissy. "I needed to keep on scrimping and saving when I went back to work because I knew I'd need the money for a divorce - but I didn't expect to end up penniless. If he had been successful in coercing me to sell the house he would probably have screwed me out of half of the sale money, too!"

"What a mean, cunning louse!"

"Frankly, I'm well rid of him," concludes Cissy. "A liar and a fraud like him will get his just desserts one day. It's all very well wanting to get ahead in life, but only a fool does so at the expense of others in co-operative, trusting relationships."