listen to your husband!

Sometimes accidents happen without rhyme or reason, but sometimes when people end up suffering they only have themselves to blame. Mary is one of those people, and if it were not for an attentive husband who literally forced her to take time off work to seek medical attention she would now be dead.

“Looking at me now – a semi-invalid housewife, almost a recluse, who caters only to the needs of my husband and has no prospect of ever being gainfully employed again,” confides Mary, “you would never guess that I was once a workaholic.”

“I was a woman who had lived for work and never gave much thought to how my body works or how precious simple pleasures were,” says Mary, “and my husband was always telling me to ease up, but I never listened.”

“I owe my life to my life to my husband because had he not forced me to take a day off work to see a specialist I could have died from a massive brain infection,” says Mary. “So, as strange as my lifestyle is now, for a woman who was once a workaholic, it was forced upon me for a reason.”

“You see, being a workaholic I continually ignored a health wake up call until I ended up needing an operation in hospital that totally changed my life – and my marriage,” says Mary. “Becoming an invalid not only put a halt to my workaholism, but it also put my life into perspective.”

“I am now quite happy being a housewife and toying with various new hobbies,” says Mary, “and I appreciate my husband a whole lot more than I ever did.”

“To put work ahead of health – and marriage - is a serious mistake,” says Mary. “Allowing workaholism to stifle a health wake up call is going against nature – that is why it is a dis-ease – and not listening to your husband is going against the whole concept of marriage, too.”

“My key values in life now are good health and a happy marriage,” confides Mary. “When something in my body hurts I know it really does reflect something is wrong and I don’t discount it like I used to do; and when my husband talks, I listen, because I owe my life to him and because we have no children, he is all I have and he is my rock.”

“I may not hear too well these days,” smiles Mary, “but I am listening like I never listened before.”

Read more of Mary’s story:

listen to your body

body language

get a regular doctor!

deaf and dizzy invalid

the workaholic husband

Carlotta is a contract worker and is presently trying to enjoy a long break between jobs. Her husband, David, earns a good salary and expects Carlotta to pay her way when she is not working - which she does - but David's obsession with work and money is becoming a matter of great concern to her.

"David is not only working himself to death but me, too, " laments Carlotta. "I want to kick back between jobs, relax and enjoy myself, but David has become so critical and demanding in terms of housekeeping and what I do all day that our marriage is fast heading for the rocks."

"Working oneself to death is a phenomenon that happens sufficiently in their culture for the Japanese to have a word for it," says Carlotta. "It’s called karoshi and it's a phenomenon that's heading west at helter-skelter pace."

"Although workaholism does fall short of physical mortality," concedes Carlotta, "I feel it does lead to a state of emotional and spiritual death that is turning more and more of us into automatons and zombies."

Carlotta also feels that the ruthless 21st century hiring and firing ethos in workplaces is exacerbating this trend. She thrives on contract work, but David needs the security of ongoing work and is always worried about losing his job.

"It was once a joke that the skeletal remains of a lot of public servants would be found one day in buildings where they had toiled for years, unseen, unheard, unappreciated and unloved," laughs Carlotta, "and although it is rare that anybody is actually found in this state the meaning behind the joke is clear. Too many people - public servants especially - were becoming workaholics, living for work rather than working to live."

To Carlotta, workaholics appear to be people driven not so much by the drive to succeed but by a fear of not succeeding.

"There is a very clear distinction between someone with a drive to succeed and a workaholic." says Carlotta. "Both are extremely hard workers, but someone with the drive to succeed works for a goal which, when reached, often results in early retirement and a life of leisure. In other words, someone with the drive to succeed works to live."

"Workaholics, like David, are very different," explains Carlotta. "They appear to have no goal other than spending as much time as they can at work and they feel that anyone not working as hard as they are is a slacker."

"While some workaholics do succeed in reaching a level of financial comfort it is never enough," says Carlotta. "In other words, workaholics appear to have some demon within, probably inculcated in childhood, that tells them they are not good enough, that they must work, and keep on working, or they will be punished, go to hell, die a pauper or whatever. In essence, they live to work."

"Another difference between someone with a drive to succeed and a workaholic," adds Carlotta, "is that the former always gives priority to private life. The success-driven people work just as hard at play in the evenings and at weekends as they do at work. They shut out work when they are not at work."

"The workaholics, on the other hand, tend to take home work and dwell on it in their free time. And this describes David perfectly."

As a result of their morbid interest in work, Carlotta feels that workaholics tend to have family and relationship problems, which, in turn, drive them to spend more and more time at work in order to blot out the misery of their private lives.

"When David berates me for not having a steady job and lazing around the house when I'm between jobs," confides Carlotta, "he's driving a wedge between us. I can’t enjoy my time off when David is nagging me, and because we argue so much I am grateful - in a way - that he does come home late at night."

"It’s not much of a marriage," concedes Carlotta, "but that’s the only way David and I appear to be able to enjoy a bit of peace."

Carlotta maintains that it’s a fallacy to believe that a workaholic is more productive than any other type of worker.

"If a job basically involves someone 'being there', then having workaholic tendencies is a decided plus for the job," says Carlotta, "but scientific tests have proved that everyone’s intellectual abilities falter after a certain period. All other things being equal, when the work requires intellectual rigor someone who works for eight hours a day with a long mid-day break is going to be a lot more productive than someone who works eight or even ten hours a day without a break."

Even when Carlotta has a job, she would never work more than eight hours a day.

"I am not lazy," laughs Carlotta, "I am a sensible person. We need sleep to rest our bodies, and leisure to relax our brains in order to be healthy, productive workers."

"When companies enforce a climate of fear - fear of losing our jobs, fear of not succeeding, fear of having no money to pay the rent, etc - they are feeding us with ‘we are not good enough’ thoughts that, in turn, will encourage us to develop workaholic tendencies and become emotional and spiritual zombies."

"David hasn't reached that stage yet and I hope he never does," sighs Carlotta, "but if the crunch comes and it's a matter of saving myself or saving the marriage I think you know which way I'd jump. I once admired David's ambition, but now that I know it's fired by fear rather than a drive to succeed I don't like it at all."

passionate or workaholic housewife?

Edwina has three dependent children and a husband, Tim, who barely earns enough to support the family. He is happy for her to be a stay at home mom, but she feels a need to work for personal fulfillment as well as extra income.

Her children are too young for her to take on the responsibility of a job right now, but she is gearing up for the return to work process and with it is having some pretty heavy discussions with Tim about why she needs to work

"I’m a house-proud mom," explains Edwina, "and Tim feels that I’m a perfectionist and a workaholic. I disagree with him and try to get him to see the difference between workaholism and passion. I am passionate about my home and family, and will probably be passionate about a job when I get one, and I don’t see passion as being unhealthy."

"I’m an only child," adds Edwina, "and my parents are passionate and hard-working people and they aren’t workaholics. There’s balance in their lives and a lot of fun, too, and that’s the way I am."

Edwina explains that when you're passionate about something, or someone, your life is filled with pleasure and while it is difficult to get your passion out of your mind, you can drop it for a while - sometimes for a long period of time - and enjoy normal relationships and activities and a good night's sleep.

"Workaholism, on the other hand," explains Edwina, "doesn’t make you a happy camper and you can't put down the work. You're obsessed with it. You're consumed by a desire to work and you seemingly don't care about anything else."

Edwina adds that some people just cannot relate workaholism to anything other than work, but it is very clearly a dis-ease that manifests in other areas of our lives. People can exhibit workaholism at home and at play as well as at work. In fact, she argues that if anyone is a workaholic in the family it is Tim with his sport.

"He has never missed a game in his life and always puts his sport before our needs," says Edwina. "It’s something that I accepted about him before marriage, and I don’t complain about it, but I think it’s unfair of Tim to call me a workaholic when much of what I do at home is either motivated by passion or something I have to do because if I don’t, nobody else will."

Edwina explains that a passionate person inspires others, a workaholic doesn't. In being a house-proud mom, Edwina is inspiring her children to be clean and tidy. Tim, on the other hand, is inspiring nobody with his obsession for sport.

She further explains that not only does workaholism deny the workaholic a normal life, but it also denies a normal life to those who have the misfortune to love them or live with them.

When Tim is watching sport on television, he is not only denying himself the exercise he needs but also denying the family the pleasure of his company. He is also disrupting family life for hours on end.

"When I am vacuuming the house," says Edwina, "the family may be inconvenienced for a while, but ultimately everyone appreciates living in a clean house. Tim’s obsession with sport benefits nobody."

Edwina thinks that too many house-proud women are incorrectly labeled as workaholics, or compulsive obsessive maniacs or just plain neurotics.

"I don’t run around obsessively picking up after Tim and the children," declares Edwina, "and I don’t look for dirt to clean, but Tim seems to think that if I enjoy keeping the house clean that there must be something wrong with me. And my desire to get back to work, on top of what I do already at home, really perplexes him."

"Sure, he appreciates how having extra income would be nice," she says, "but he can’t understand that I am a passionate person and will need a new interest once the kids are at school."

There are plenty of people who call workaholism a ‘healthy’ addiction, but Edwina sees nothing healthy about a compulsive or neurotic desire to work. No matter what the work is, if it consumes a person's life to the detriment of normal relationships and activities and sleep, Edwina believes it is a dis-ease.

"Sure," says Edwina, "there are workaholic housewives, but I don’t spend all day and most of the night, every day, year in year out, dusting, cleaning, washing, ironing and vacuuming and, not content with the perfection of my work, going over it time and time again. And I don’t deny Tim and the children a normal home in which they can relax, and a normal wife and mother with whom they can have fun and share love and affection. I am there for them at all times."

Edwina is passionate about her home and family because she wants to please them, and in returning to work one day she wants to please everyone by bringing in more money to buy nice things that everyone can enjoy - as well as fulfilling her personal need to have meaningful work.

"Workaholics," says Edwina, "please nobody - not their loved ones who want a normal, loving relationship with them; not their co-workers who feel threatened by their manic activity; and not themselves. Workaholics are just not happy people. They operate on a high level of anxiety, always worrying if they missed something or didn't do a good enough job. And if you tear them away from their work they have panic attacks. They may begrudgingly go through the motions of whatever it is you want them to do, but their minds will be elsewhere - on work or whatever it is they are obsessed with."

"It's probable," says Edwina, "that workaholics please their bosses and, in the case of house-proud wives, the vicar or some other ‘important’ personage who calls at their home unexpectedly, but bosses and vicars really don't count."

Edwina believes that when asked who are they pleasing, workaholics can't give you an answer that makes sense. Either there is someone in their past they are trying to please - in which case workaholism is merely a manifestation of an infantile desire to please somebody they could never please in childhood - or the brain wiring in workaholics is skewed.

"If the latter," muses Edwina, "then maybe it is the same skewed wiring that causes other addictions - sex, drugs, alcohol, smoking, gambling and, in Tim’s case, an obsession with sport."

"A passion, on the other hand," says Edwina, "is pleasurable and causes no pain - even if the possibility of pursing the passion is denied. A passion does not interfere with normal relationships and activities and sleep. I certainly wouldn’t be in pain if someone stopped me from doing housework for a week! The person who would be in pain is Tim - he can’t find a shirt without my help, and he goes berserk if disturbed when watching sport."

Also, Edwina believes that a passion is often shared with others and this is another clue by which it can be differentiated from workaholism.

When Edwina and Tim were first married, they were both passionate about renovating the old house they had bought. They took years to complete it and they sometimes stayed up all night finishing something off, but they lived for the day when it was completed and they could enjoy the fruits of their labor.

Their friends thought they were nuts working so hard on the old house, but Edwina and Tim were fired by passion - not love for work. In fact, it was because she had worked so hard on renovating the house that Edwina is now so passionate about keeping it looking good.

"Workaholics," says Edwina, "rarely include others in their obsession with work - or whatever it is they are obsessed by - and often nobody would want to get involved as workaholism is often centered on very boring stuff. A workaholic housewife, to me, would be someone who dusts the furniture so much that it has lost its shine. I’m not like that!"

When Edwina gets around to returning to work she is aware that life is going to be more difficult, but she looks forward to finding an interesting job, something she can be passionate about, and she has no intention of taking work home, working late and working weekends and holidays or otherwise allowing work to interfere with what really matters in her life - her home and her family.

"Even though my parents were wonderful and my childhood was a dream," explains Edwina, "I never thought we were a real family. Everyone else had sisters and brothers, I didn’t. I have a real family now, and there’s no way that I am going to allow a job to spoil that."