raving, sword-wielding maniac

Kerry is a qualified architect who found a great new direction for herself and her husband, John, as self-employed interior designers. It was a natural spin-off business for the type of work they were already doing in the construction industry, and working together at home and mixing business with the main pleasure in their lives – travelling – was great for their marriage; until Kerry became fixated on a Fijian theme.

"I wasn’t getting anywhere - literally - as an architect." says Kerry. "Interior design gave me the opportunity to start a business with John who was also going nowhere as a carpenter.”

“The most enjoyable part of our business involves travelling the world looking for interesting themes,” explains Kerry. “We first try out these themes in our city apartment before suggesting them to clients – and you can see how our combined skills match perfectly in the business.”

“My one great mistake - and yes, interior designers do make plenty of mistakes - was the Fijian theme,” confesses Kerry.  “The overall idea was good, but by the time we returned home with the Fijian swords and all of the other stuff we had collected our marriage was at breaking point!”

“The last time I saw the Fijian swords was when I placed them in the basement with the rest of the stuff that was to be picked up later on in the day by the Goodwill collection service,” laughs Kerry. “I had to get rid of them because they were cursed, bringing more trouble into our lives than anything before or since.”

“I blush when I remember why I had bought the swords in the first place,” confesses Kerry. “It was ludicrous that we had carted them around the world - getting into trouble not only with Customs but with hotel staff, too - so saying goodbye to them that day was something I should have done a long time ago.”

“They weren't real swords, of course,” explains Kerry. “They were merely wooden carvings of swords. They were typical of carvings done all over the world for gullible tourists. And none was so gullible as me during my first visit to Fiji.”

“It was such an enchanted island! Such lovely people! Such beautiful carvings!”

“While John was soaking up the ambience of the island, I was doing sketches of my new Fijian interior decoration theme, and buying up lots of native objects to take home with us.”

“I’ve been travelling long enough to appreciate that it’s not smart to burden yourself with large or heavy purchases, so I really don’t know what on earth induced me to go against my grain and buy a pair of huge wooden swords.”

“I suppose it must have been the handsome Fijian warrior type who sold them to me,” laughs Kerry. “He was dressed in native costume for the tourists, and he looked a treat with a lap-lap draped around his nether regions and a long string of beads showing off his glistening male chest. So, when he held up the swords and did a mock war dance with them, and pointed them at me, I was smitten.”

“At the time it did not occur to me that the swords would not fit into our luggage and that we had three more weeks of travelling ahead of us,” sighs Kerry. “It took practical John to point this out to me – and boy did he go mad!”

“Nevertheless, we managed to affix them to the outside of our carry-all with a few straps,” says Kerry, “and I had to stop myself laughing at how silly John looked lugging around a bag with two giant wooden swords sticking out each end.”

“My joy in owning the swords came to an abrupt end when time and time again we were forced to declare them as weapons on various Customs forms and suffer the indignity of actually having them confiscated on one occasion by an over-zealous official.”

“Also, every hotel we stayed at requested that the swords be stored in safekeeping during our stay.”

"Did they fear John was going to transform into a raving, sword-wielding maniac during the night or something?" laughs Kerry. "The swords were only wooden ornaments yet everywhere we went they were treated as lethal weapons!"

“John begged me to throw them away while we were overseas, or give them to somebody who admired them (but nobody did),” laughs Kerry. “But I was an obstinate fool and forced him to cart them around the world for three weeks and then when we got home they sat in a dark cupboard for their entire stay with us – because I had changed my mind about the Fijian theme.”

"When John realised that I had decided against redecorating the apartment with a Fijian theme he really did turn into a raving, sword-wielding maniac,” says Kerry. “He picked up the swords and swiped everything in sight – thankfully not me.”

"As with businesses as with marriage," says Kerry, "you make a lot of mistakes as you go along but at least I can laugh about this one."

the captain's table

Melba and her husband Aaron were having a normal type of holiday in Greece when they received a surprise invitation to join a party touring the Greek islands in a luxury yacht. Naturally they jumped at the chance - it was free! - but the experience drove a wedge between Melba and Aaron that nearly ended their marriage.

"We had wondered why we had been chosen from hundreds of tourists to join the yacht party," laughs Melba, "and being vain we concluded - quite rightly as it turned out - that we had been chosen because we were young and good looking."

"However," adds Melba, "it was my good looks that counted - not Aaron's - and this fact became apparent on the first night on board."

"A cabin boy approached me and told me to wear something really special for dinner that night because I had been selected to sit next to the yacht owner - also the captain of the yacht."

"Aaron was thrilled to bits and naturally expected to be sitting next to me," says Melba, "but when we arrived for dinner the steward ushered Aaron to the far end of the table."

"The captain and his wife were late arriving for dinner so I had a very uncomfortable time sitting at the top of the table - on the captain's left side - trying to make light conversation with a strange man on my left with Aaron glaring at me from the far end of the table."

"When the yacht owner and his wife arrived at the dinner table everyone stood up and cheered," laughs Melba. "By then we were all slightly drunk!"

"The guy was a lot younger than I had expected him to be," says Melba, "and his wife was a stunning young blonde."

"Throughout the dinner the two of them quizzed me with questions and at one stage the yacht owner put his hand on my knee," laughs Melba.

"My gut feeling told me that this couple was interested in a threesome - and poor old Aaron was totally superfluous."

"Every time I glanced down the table at Aaron he was glaring at me and I expected trouble from him after the dinner."

"When Aaron and I got together later he was furious at me," laughs Melba. "Not because I had sat next to the captain but because I hadn't asked for him to be moved up the table to sit with me."

"Aaron wasn't interested in what the captain and his wife had talked to me about - and I didn't tell him," says Melba. "He was just totally consumed with what he considered to be an insult to him that I had presumably collaborated in."

"I reminded Aaron that we were guests on the yacht and it would have been rude for me to have queried the seating arrangements - but he was adamant that I was remiss."

"The next night - after a very frosty day with Aaron that everybody must have noticed - we were both relieved when some other woman was chosen to sit on the captain's left hand side."

"Aaron and I sat at the end of the table together - and peace resumed in our relationship," laughs Melba. "I never told Aaron what I suspected the deal was between the couple and whatever woman sat with them - but I think he got the drift of what was going on."

"I suppose if the shoe had been on the other foot and I had been forced to sit with the plebeians while my husband was with royalty I guess I would have felt the same."

"But I wouldn't have directed my anger at Aaron," says Melba. "I would have directed it at the yacht owner. They were obviously looking for a complaint couple - and when you consider that there's no such thing as a free holiday I suppose we were lucky that they didn't feed us to the sharks for being troublesome!"


Melba's story first appeared as melba: greek cruising and is reprinted with permission.