a diplomatic marriage
Before her marriage Sidney, 39, was a graduate researcher for a leading politician with a wonderful diplomatic career ahead of her which she willingly gave up when she met and fell in love with a co-worker.
"In the early days I was quite happy being Bob's wife and the mother of his children," explains Sidney, "and while this sort of existence was quite normal for diplomatic wives in foreign countries it becomes out of place when you're living at home."
"You see, we lived in parts of the world where it was unsafe for western women to go out in public," says Sidney, "and we lived in secluded compounds where all the wives just sat around and talked about their husbands and kids."
"It just didn't occur to me that this sort of idyllic existence was not only destroying my self-esteem but also reinforcing innate male prejudices in Bob," says Sidney. "He spent every day working in the company of foreign men with awful attitudes towards women, and what started off as a protective attitude towards me soon became denigrating."
"I understood that diplomat's wives in certain areas of the world did not accompany their husbands to functions," says Sidney, "but when he stopped sharing political gossip with me, brushing me off with words to the effect that it was man's business, I started to feel pretty worthless."
"I had gained first class honors at university and once had a better job and prospects than he had," sighs Sidney, "and I couldn't believe that he was denying me the intelligent conversation and a share in his interesting life that I believe I deserved."
"To save our marriage, I begged Bob to put in for a transfer home and it happened sooner than I had hoped for," says Sidney, "but the years we had spent in an alien culture had a bigger impact on Bob than I had realized."
"Not only that," adds Sidney, "but the years I had spent as Bob's wife and the mother of his kids had devalued me not only in Bob's eyes but everyone else's, too."
"The crunch came at a diplomatic party thrown by a female colleague we had both previously worked with," says Sidney. "I was in my element, happy to be home back among intelligent, stimulating company and Bob got into a filthy mood when I moved away from his side and worked the room on my own."
"I don't know whether Bob had conspired with the hostess to humiliate me," says Sidney, "but when the guest of honor arrived and she moved from group to group, introducing him to us, she very deliberately and cruelly introduced me as 'Bob's wife' rather than as a former colleague."
"I felt like a nobody," says Sidney, "and that, I suppose, is exactly what she meant me to feel."
"After the party I told Bob what had happened and he couldn't understand why I would feel demeaned by such an introduction," says Sidney. "He took my aggravation as a slap in the face for him."
"He thought that being introduced as his wife was a honor and if I didn't see it as such then I
shouldn't be married to him," sighs Sidney. "He boasted that thousands of women would give their right arms to be married to him, and without him I am nothing."
"Reminding him of the relative value of the jobs we had when we worked together meant nothing to him," says Sidney. "He maintained that I gave up all rights to a separate existence and individual honors when I married him. Can you believe that a boy next door type could say such a thing in the 21st century?"
"Right now we're talking about divorce," sighs Sidney, "but with three children I don't feel happy about the course Bob has set me on."
"Divorce is not what I want."
"I want Bob to treat me like he once did - as an equal, a partner in life," says Sidney. "Am I asking too much of him after he's seen how other cultures treat their wives?"
"I willingly gave up my career when I married Bob," says Sidney. "I did not willingly give up on myself and I am shattered that Bob would end up being changed so much by another culture."
"If this is what happens when you marry someone from work," sighs Sidney, "then I wish someone had told me about this sort of thing years ago."
(Sidney's story first appeared as a diplomatic incident and is reprinted with permission.)
"In the early days I was quite happy being Bob's wife and the mother of his children," explains Sidney, "and while this sort of existence was quite normal for diplomatic wives in foreign countries it becomes out of place when you're living at home."
"You see, we lived in parts of the world where it was unsafe for western women to go out in public," says Sidney, "and we lived in secluded compounds where all the wives just sat around and talked about their husbands and kids."
"It just didn't occur to me that this sort of idyllic existence was not only destroying my self-esteem but also reinforcing innate male prejudices in Bob," says Sidney. "He spent every day working in the company of foreign men with awful attitudes towards women, and what started off as a protective attitude towards me soon became denigrating."
"I understood that diplomat's wives in certain areas of the world did not accompany their husbands to functions," says Sidney, "but when he stopped sharing political gossip with me, brushing me off with words to the effect that it was man's business, I started to feel pretty worthless."
"I had gained first class honors at university and once had a better job and prospects than he had," sighs Sidney, "and I couldn't believe that he was denying me the intelligent conversation and a share in his interesting life that I believe I deserved."
"To save our marriage, I begged Bob to put in for a transfer home and it happened sooner than I had hoped for," says Sidney, "but the years we had spent in an alien culture had a bigger impact on Bob than I had realized."
"Not only that," adds Sidney, "but the years I had spent as Bob's wife and the mother of his kids had devalued me not only in Bob's eyes but everyone else's, too."
"The crunch came at a diplomatic party thrown by a female colleague we had both previously worked with," says Sidney. "I was in my element, happy to be home back among intelligent, stimulating company and Bob got into a filthy mood when I moved away from his side and worked the room on my own."
"I don't know whether Bob had conspired with the hostess to humiliate me," says Sidney, "but when the guest of honor arrived and she moved from group to group, introducing him to us, she very deliberately and cruelly introduced me as 'Bob's wife' rather than as a former colleague."
"I felt like a nobody," says Sidney, "and that, I suppose, is exactly what she meant me to feel."
"After the party I told Bob what had happened and he couldn't understand why I would feel demeaned by such an introduction," says Sidney. "He took my aggravation as a slap in the face for him."
"He thought that being introduced as his wife was a honor and if I didn't see it as such then I
shouldn't be married to him," sighs Sidney. "He boasted that thousands of women would give their right arms to be married to him, and without him I am nothing."
"Reminding him of the relative value of the jobs we had when we worked together meant nothing to him," says Sidney. "He maintained that I gave up all rights to a separate existence and individual honors when I married him. Can you believe that a boy next door type could say such a thing in the 21st century?"
"Right now we're talking about divorce," sighs Sidney, "but with three children I don't feel happy about the course Bob has set me on."
"Divorce is not what I want."
"I want Bob to treat me like he once did - as an equal, a partner in life," says Sidney. "Am I asking too much of him after he's seen how other cultures treat their wives?"
"I willingly gave up my career when I married Bob," says Sidney. "I did not willingly give up on myself and I am shattered that Bob would end up being changed so much by another culture."
"If this is what happens when you marry someone from work," sighs Sidney, "then I wish someone had told me about this sort of thing years ago."
(Sidney's story first appeared as a diplomatic incident and is reprinted with permission.)
Labels: co-worker, diplomat, fell in love, foreign countries, foreign men, husbands, jealousy, marriage, western women, wives
<< Home