marriage up in smoke
Meredith and Tony were childhood sweethearts, they married young and produced two lovely children. A loving marriage that should have gone the distance ended horribly when Tony quit smoking and became abusive.
"We were both happy smokers until the anti-smoking campaign took off in the late 1980s, shortly after we were married," explains Meredith. "Faced with strident advertisements showing people with ashtray mouths, lungs dripping with tar and various other deliberately shocking and over-the-top scenes associated with smoking, Tony decided to give up the habit."
"He didn’t discuss his decision with me," says Meredith. "He just came home from work one day and didn’t sit and smoke in front of the television like he usually did. When I sat down next to him and lit up, he called me ‘ashtray mouth’ and got up and walked out the house. That was the pattern of my marriage until Tony finally walked out the door and never came back."
Meredith didn’t mind that Tony had quit smoking, but she did mind that he had not discussed it with her and became not only intolerant towards her smoking but also abusive towards her as a person.
"Tony’s decision to quit smoking was tied up with something far deeper than fear of lung cancer," explains Meredith. "He was tired of the marriage, he was no longer attracted to me, he was having troubles at work, he was losing his hair and by quitting smoking he was distancing himself from me as well as hopefully making himself more attractive to other women."
And other women did become part and parcel of Meredith’s marriage to Tony from then on.
Tony didn’t ask Meredith to stop smoking - on the contrary, he provided the income to buy her cigarettes and actually bought them for her - and it obviously suited him to keep Meredith the way she was so that he could continue to build himself up by putting her down.
The more Tony distanced himself from her and family activities, the more Meredith smoked. Being home all day didn’t help. Having nothing better to do, and being depressed most of the time; Meredith spent her time in front of the television chain-smoking and stuffing herself with junk food.
On the rare occasions when Tony was home for the night, he slept in the spare bedroom. He mainly used the family home to eat and change his clothes, which Meredith would lovingly wash and iron for him. Meredith had become his mother, not his wife.
Ask any woman why she stays in a loveless marriage and you hear a variety of excuses, most of which are expressions of fear of change.
"Tony was providing for me, giving me a semblance of identity," explains Meredith, "and as long as he didn’t stay too long at home and start up the ‘ashtray mouth’ abuse, I guess I was just comfortably numb."
By the time Tony walked out the door for good, Meredith was 49 years old and had become grossly obese as well as a two-pack-a-day smoker. With no income, no skills and in a depressive frame of mind she was virtually unemployable and had to apply for welfare.
Meredith is now an ‘official’ separated woman, going through the stress of the divorce process. Unofficially, of course, Meredith has been separated from Tony for most of her marriage - and when asked whether her life would have been happier had Tony remained a smoker, Meredith answers affirmatively because he had never abused her in any way before he quit.
When asked why she didn’t quit at the same time Tony did, Meredith shrugs and said she wasn’t ready to give up her comfort drug.
Obviously, Meredith could neither quit the marriage nor smoking, and it’s obvious to most people which one was causing her the more damage. With menopause starting, and her adult children making noises about moving out to places of their own, Meredith is due for further shocks to her system - all of which will likely coincide with the divorce. With this sort of stress, Meredith is unlikely ever to be ready to quit smoking or stuffing herself with comfort food.
Far more shocking, though, is Meredith’s admission that her nicotine addiction is driving her into debt.
"My welfare check doesn’t cover the cost of cigarettes," sighs Meredith, "and no matter how much I try to cut my expenses in other areas, I am getting deeper and deeper into debt. I spend three times as much on cigarettes than I do on food, and the more stressed I feel the more I need to smoke and eat. Smoking and eating are the only things that bring me comfort now."
(Meredith's story first appeared as an addictive marriage and is reprinted with permission.)
"We were both happy smokers until the anti-smoking campaign took off in the late 1980s, shortly after we were married," explains Meredith. "Faced with strident advertisements showing people with ashtray mouths, lungs dripping with tar and various other deliberately shocking and over-the-top scenes associated with smoking, Tony decided to give up the habit."
"He didn’t discuss his decision with me," says Meredith. "He just came home from work one day and didn’t sit and smoke in front of the television like he usually did. When I sat down next to him and lit up, he called me ‘ashtray mouth’ and got up and walked out the house. That was the pattern of my marriage until Tony finally walked out the door and never came back."
Meredith didn’t mind that Tony had quit smoking, but she did mind that he had not discussed it with her and became not only intolerant towards her smoking but also abusive towards her as a person.
"Tony’s decision to quit smoking was tied up with something far deeper than fear of lung cancer," explains Meredith. "He was tired of the marriage, he was no longer attracted to me, he was having troubles at work, he was losing his hair and by quitting smoking he was distancing himself from me as well as hopefully making himself more attractive to other women."
And other women did become part and parcel of Meredith’s marriage to Tony from then on.
Tony didn’t ask Meredith to stop smoking - on the contrary, he provided the income to buy her cigarettes and actually bought them for her - and it obviously suited him to keep Meredith the way she was so that he could continue to build himself up by putting her down.
The more Tony distanced himself from her and family activities, the more Meredith smoked. Being home all day didn’t help. Having nothing better to do, and being depressed most of the time; Meredith spent her time in front of the television chain-smoking and stuffing herself with junk food.
On the rare occasions when Tony was home for the night, he slept in the spare bedroom. He mainly used the family home to eat and change his clothes, which Meredith would lovingly wash and iron for him. Meredith had become his mother, not his wife.
Ask any woman why she stays in a loveless marriage and you hear a variety of excuses, most of which are expressions of fear of change.
"Tony was providing for me, giving me a semblance of identity," explains Meredith, "and as long as he didn’t stay too long at home and start up the ‘ashtray mouth’ abuse, I guess I was just comfortably numb."
By the time Tony walked out the door for good, Meredith was 49 years old and had become grossly obese as well as a two-pack-a-day smoker. With no income, no skills and in a depressive frame of mind she was virtually unemployable and had to apply for welfare.
Meredith is now an ‘official’ separated woman, going through the stress of the divorce process. Unofficially, of course, Meredith has been separated from Tony for most of her marriage - and when asked whether her life would have been happier had Tony remained a smoker, Meredith answers affirmatively because he had never abused her in any way before he quit.
When asked why she didn’t quit at the same time Tony did, Meredith shrugs and said she wasn’t ready to give up her comfort drug.
Obviously, Meredith could neither quit the marriage nor smoking, and it’s obvious to most people which one was causing her the more damage. With menopause starting, and her adult children making noises about moving out to places of their own, Meredith is due for further shocks to her system - all of which will likely coincide with the divorce. With this sort of stress, Meredith is unlikely ever to be ready to quit smoking or stuffing herself with comfort food.
Far more shocking, though, is Meredith’s admission that her nicotine addiction is driving her into debt.
"My welfare check doesn’t cover the cost of cigarettes," sighs Meredith, "and no matter how much I try to cut my expenses in other areas, I am getting deeper and deeper into debt. I spend three times as much on cigarettes than I do on food, and the more stressed I feel the more I need to smoke and eat. Smoking and eating are the only things that bring me comfort now."
(Meredith's story first appeared as an addictive marriage and is reprinted with permission.)
Labels: addiction, ashtray mouth, marriage, quitting, separation, shocking advertisements, smoking
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